I haven't posted in a very long time, because I don't feel like it. But, I've been having trouble with something lately and because my mom is always right, I decided to do as she says and write about it.
The thing I've been having a lot of trouble with is one of my best friends. I started being friends with DeShawn in September. He is the typical 'brother' and I never expected him to be friends with someone like me. Well, over the months during school, he and I became good friends. All through basketball, I felt very...honored(seems like the closest word I can think of) that he would even talk to me. I started having horrible night terrors, and confided in him this information. He then started sleeping by me. He would hold me while I slept and made everything feel alright. I still knew that he was a boy, and would act like one. Some nights I would ask him to sleep over and he would tell me he had some girl, sometimes girls, coming over to have sex and didn't want to come over. This was all fine with me, because I already felt horrible asking someone else in my life for help. He told me some things about his childhood, that he said he'd never told another person. This made me feel good that he trusted me. Every time he would hang up the phone, or leave me, he'd be sure to say, "I love you, Jess." This always made me feel much better about however I was feeling. I too confided in him some things that I don't tell people. He and I talked about everything possible. We understood each other.
I ended up sleeping with one of the guys on the College football team. DeShawn had a fit! He yelled at me and all my friends. He was so upset with my friends that they would let me do something like that, because he felt that I was going to get emotionally involved and get hurt. He said he didn't want anything bad to happen to "his little sister"
I really love DeShawn. He told me we would keep in touch, since he is from Newark, NJ and was planning on playing ball for Hawaii. At first after school got out, we did well to keep in touch, then without warning in the middle of June, he quit talking to me. He made it so I was unable to follow him on Twitter, he stopped answering my texts, and he stopped answering and returning my phone calls.
I have never allowed myself to become emotionally invested in the friendship of another person, yet somehow I slipped and let myself trust him. I really felt like he cared about me and our friendship. I have never cried because of another person either. I cry all the time, my nightmares have gotten worse and I don't know why I can't just let it go. I usually have such control over my emotions, but DeShawn has really hurt me.
I don't know if writing it down will help, but it's worth a try.
