............

I haven't posted in a very long time, because I don't feel like it. But, I've been having trouble with something lately and because my mom is always right, I decided to do as she says and write about it.

   The thing I've been having a lot of trouble with is one of my best friends. I started being friends with DeShawn in September. He is the typical 'brother' and I never expected him to be friends with someone like me. Well, over the months during school, he and I became good friends. All through basketball, I felt very...honored(seems like the closest word I can think of) that he would even talk to me. I started having horrible night terrors, and confided in him this information. He then started sleeping by me. He would hold me while I slept and made everything feel alright. I still knew that he was a boy, and would act like one. Some nights I would ask him to sleep over and he would tell me he had some girl, sometimes girls, coming over to have sex and didn't want to come over. This was all fine with me, because I already felt horrible asking someone else in my life for help. He told me some things about his childhood, that he said he'd never told another person. This made me feel good that he trusted me. Every time he would hang up the phone, or leave me, he'd be sure to say, "I love you, Jess." This always made me feel much better about however I was feeling. I too confided in him some things that I don't tell people. He and I talked about everything possible. We understood each other.
    I ended up sleeping with one of the guys on the College football team. DeShawn had a fit! He yelled at me and all my friends. He was so upset with my friends that they would let me do something like that, because he felt that I was going to get emotionally involved and get hurt. He said he didn't want anything bad to happen to "his little sister"
   I really love DeShawn. He told me we would keep in touch, since he is from Newark, NJ and was planning on playing ball for Hawaii. At first after school got out, we did well to keep in touch, then without warning in the middle of June, he quit talking to me. He made it so I was unable to follow him on Twitter, he stopped answering my texts, and he stopped answering and returning my phone calls.
   I have never allowed myself to become emotionally invested in the friendship of another person, yet somehow I slipped and let myself trust him. I really felt like he cared about me and our friendship. I have never cried because of another person either. I cry all the time, my nightmares have gotten worse and I don't know why I can't just let it go. I usually have such control over my emotions, but DeShawn has really hurt me.
   I don't know if writing it down will help, but it's worth a try.

Don't Read This

I say don't read this because I just want to vent.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of the hurt and pain,

the darkness,

the satan voice constantly running through my head

I'm tired of only being able to think about the bad things about myself and others.

I'm so done.

The General Conference talks were for me today. I heard them. I'll learn from them. I can be better...

Today

today was quite a good day. i went to church today and stayed for the entire time. which i haven't done yet since we've been here. this is the first time in a while since i've gone to church and  it seemed like everything said was to me specifically. the guy who gave me my blessing spoke in church and mentioned how he gave a lot of blessings this weekend. it was awesome to let the power of God take over and push the satan voice out of my head. i HATE that satan voice. i love the fact that God is there for me to turn to when i need him. i said the greatest and most powerful prayer ever. it was pretty crazy. i love Kate Rogerson. just so everyone knows.

So Far

i'm into my third week of college life. i love it. there is nothing i would rather be doing than getting out and doing things i would never do in reality. i still feel like it's not quite real. i skipped my senior year of high school: supposedly the best time of my life. sometimes i feel like i'm missing out on something, but then something wonderful happens here, and i know i made the right choice. i love being on my own ( sort of ) but i adore the fact that i'm close enough to home that i can go home when needed. i absolutly love how much my room mates care and i am happy with them all.
Jade is my actual room mate and she is one of the most beautiful girls i have ever met. i am a little bit envious of her. i say a little bit, but i mean a lot. she cares about life and what is happening to the people around her. she is always willing to help and to listen to what you have to say. she has already helped me a lot.
Katie is the first room mate i met and i love her personality and how she always has a way to have fun. i really enjoy being around her. she is a beautiful girl and she seems to have fun no matter what she is doing. she seems to really care about what you have to say and makes you feel worth listening to.
Mariela is Katie's room mate (they are both sophmores) and her personality always makes me laugh. the way she views the world makes me feel like the charisma i always thought i had is nothing. she makes everyone laugh, like i used to. she always knows what to say and how to say it in a way that makes everyone want to be around her and listen to what she has to say.
Whitney is one of the funnest people to be around. she is always happy to have people around and always seems excited to see you when you walk through the door. she seems to look pretty no matter what she is doing or wearing. she has a way with people, that makes them like her that makes me envious of her.
Ashley has a way of viewing the world through God's eyes. she seems to be able to see everything in a beautiful way. being around her makes me feel inadequate as a person and makes me want to try harder to be who i know my Heavenly Father wants me to be. i have a lot of respect for her.
and then there's me. i'm an extra. i'm not cute and little, i'm no fun to be around because i suck the happiness out of life. i don't smile and i make life harder for others. ... but, these girls are willing to be around me anyway. they make me smile.

I'm so happy to be here in Ephraim, Utah going to Snow College. I'm still trying.

#1

this is obviously my first blog post. i want to keep it short sweet and simple. i am me and i will tell more later on. i am going to college in ephraim, utah. these college types like their capitalization and i am doing this out of spite. hahaha. i will talk more later, i just don't know when. i <3 college and my room mates and whatnot. uhm....the end?